Don’t Do Your Own PR

I was a little antsy to get off the phone with an old acquaintance (XY) the other day.  Nice guy, but his problem is that he needs the rest of the world to know it as well.  I really don’t mind when people tell me about their accomplishments or selfless deeds as long as (1) it’s a cause for celebration (2) I asked them about it or (3) it naturally comes up in the conversation.  But when it’s neither (1), (2) nor (3), I can’t help but be a tad turned off. 

I’d like to think that I’m pretty perceptive even on the phone.  So I think I can tell when something just sounds a wee FORCED into the conversation.  Every once in a while during the conversation XY would unnecessarily drop in a description of some virtuous kindness he had done for someone.  Or better yet, he would make an obvious comment that would lure me into asking a question so it would seem natural for him to bring up his latest act of heroism.  E.g. XY said, “I’m sooooo tired, Jayde!  I didn’t have a wink of sleep last night.” To which I thought, ‘then why did you call me, shouldn’t you be asleep?’ But I did what most polite people would and asked why.  It turns out XY had stayed up all night on the phone with a friend because she was having bf problems even though he had a deadline the next day. 

I hung onto the phone wondering how I was supposed to respond to his story.  In the end I played my role and said what he would have wanted me to say.  In all my fakeness I said, “Oh wow!  That was really sweet of you to have done that!”

“Well you know me,” he replied, “My friends always come first.” 

I wanted to puke. 

I would never doubt that he had actually done what he said he did.  And it really was a nice gesture too.  But it makes me wonder, did he do it more because he really wanted to help his friend, or more so he could gloat about his kindness later? 

I’ve noticed that the greatest people never feel the need to tell others about all their kindnesses or their heroic rescue missions.  So when a person actively brings attention to their holier-than-thou deeds, I can’t help but think they must have some underlying personal issues.  Three main issues immediately come to mind.

Issue 1:  They Don’t Know Modesty

I really think the whole game of show-and-tell from kindergarten has ruined some of us.  Back then we were actually encouraged to gloat about having everyone’s most prized GI Joe figurine or My Little Pony doll.  However, aside from music artists who sing about their bling bling jewelry, their hot drop tops or their diamond-studded platinum retainers – the rest of us can’t expect to ‘show and tell’ and still be considered cool.  And I think some of us don’t realize that it doesn’t just apply to showing off material items, but it applies to bragging about all your saintly gestures and Mother-Theresa-like qualities.  I can’t understand how people can even begin to be so self-righteous, especially not when there are tons of people dedicating their lives to reducing world hunger, building homes for the poor or risking their lives fighting against genocide. There is always someone who’s going to be more saintly.  Being modest at least shows that this is being recognized. 

Bottomline: Modesty is a virtue, so be modest damnit! 

Issue 2:  They Do Not Realize That True Merit Doesn’t Have to Advertise Itself

When was the last time you saw an ad for Harvard?  I have yet to see one.  And somehow Harvard still manages to attract some of the most talented and brilliant people in the world.  Be like Harvard.  People shouldn’t have to talk about their greatness, because the chances are someone else will do it for them.

And even if a person can’t be humble, they can still pretend to be.  This is where friends can be very useful.  You can get your friends to tell people all about your greatest qualities.  You can pay them if you have to.  But just remember you can ruin a potentially immaculate reputation once you begin talk about your own greatness!  As a side note, word-of-mouth is actually a pretty powerful tool even if none of what is said is true.  I don’t necessarily believe all that I hear about other people, but once I hear that someone is a player, I’ll be looking for all the qualities of one when I talk to him myself. 

There’s got to be an art in encouraging people to find out for themselves how amazing a person is.  I have yet to discover this.

Bottomline:  It’s much more impressive when other people can discover your good qualities without your help. 

Issue 3: They Are Insecure

People can judge for themselves from one’s actions what kind of person he/she is.  They do not need to be told.  In fact, I think it is a sign of insecurity that they must tell people about how nice they are in order to win another person’s favour.  It’s as though they think their actions will go unnoticed unless they tell someone about it - that their actions aren’t loud enough to evoke the kind of recognition that they want.

People like XY make me wonder if they would continue helping and serving others without expecting recognition.  Would they be the type of person who can donate a million dollars anonymously?

Bottomline:  He who needs recognition is insecure and hence a major turn off. 

So unless someone asks or there happens to be a real purpose for it to be mentioned in conversation, don’t tell them about all the orphans you’ve found homes for, the third world countries you’ve saved, or any Nobel Peace Prizes you’ve attained.  Let them find out for themselves.

When ‘Nice’ Guys Finish Last

A phenomenon I've witnessed in my years after the age of 18:  MOST (but not all) single guys whom girls just meet do not go out of their way to be ‘nice’ just for the hell of it.  This statement excludes childhood friends, high school friends, religious/spiritual people and most (but not all) guys who are already in relationships.

I loathe the word ‘nice’ because it’s so vague, but I use it for lack of a better word to describe people who go out of their way to help another person. 

For example,

Bill goes to Pam’s apartment at 3 in the morning to kill a tormenting spider. 

Smith brings Sue chicken soup because she’ s sick. 

Joe calls Lynn every morning to wake her up for work/class. 

If you ask me, all these guys have one thing in common.  Granted that all the guys are straight, single and the guys and girls in each scenario don’t know each other very well, then it's simple:  Bill, Smith, and Joe want to 'get' with the girls - whatever that might mean depending on the guy.

There was a point in time when I thought that single guys who did angelic gestures for me were doing it out of the goodness of their hearts and never expected anything in return.  "Aww...he's such a sweet guy," I would say.  This is when my more experienced girlfriends would hit me in the head and tell me I was naïve. 

No matter how much my friends tried to drill it in my head, I had to learn it for myself.  I became less naive when the guys who did incredibly ‘nice’ gestures for me started asking me out.  And when I apologetically told them I was only interested in being friends, the nice gestures simply stopped.  For example, I rode through my first couple of years of university never having to spend a penny on textbooks because nice guy #1 and #2 offered to lend them to me.  After two ‘I-only-think-of-you-as-a-friend' talks, I finally realized what everyone else was paying for textbooks.  Nice guy #3 burned me CDs with the latest Chinese hits.  When he clued in that I wasn’t into him, I lost my only connection to Jay Chou.  In retrospect, I was stupid for letting them do these things for me.  Then again I also felt misled and disappointed.  Were they putting on a 'nice'-person act that whole time?  Do I all of the sudden become less worthy of acts of kindness because I’m no longer a prospect?  Granted they are not close childhood/highschool friends, the single, straight, post-pubescent male, aged 18-65 subgroup is now my most distrusted population when it comes to seemingly random acts of kindness towards females.

I guess this simply means I've become suspicious of guys who do 'nice' things for me.  It doesn't mean that I don't think there are genuine good-hearted guys out there, because once in a while I still meet single guys who I think are truly well-meaning and have no ulterior agenda.  Sadly, they are the minority. 

And can a guy still be considered nice when his entire underlying motive for helping a girl out is so that she’ll swoon over him and later date him? 

I think not.  And I wouldn’t call that a real act of kindness.  Genuine kindness is not dependent on the act itself but rather on one’s intentions for doing it in the first place.  If acts of kindness are supposed to be relatively selfless in nature, then I think you’ll agree that guys who do ‘nice’ things with an ulterior selfish motive (i.e. winning the favour of a love-interest, getting laid) are not performing acts of kindness, but rather acts of horniness. Besides, EVERYBODY is capable of being ‘nice’!  Even the guy who was caught for last week’s drive-by shooting has probably opened a door for an elderly lady once in his life.  Simply being ‘nice’ doesn’t cut it.  Not when it can be so easily faked.  This is where the separation of quality men from low-grade boys really becomes an understanding of their motives.

Notes on Accepting Rejection with Grace:

I can understand why it may be tough for guys to face a girl who has just rejected him.  I guess a guy's pride wouldn't be able to take it.  But this is precisely why I highly respect guys who can overcome their male pride issues, and at least pursue a friendship or even an ‘acquaintance-ship’ because if she was good enough to date, it makes sense that she would be a good enough to become friends with.

Of course being friends with her can be all apart of this ‘nice’ guy act and he may be sticking around just because he thinks he'll have a chance with her later.  And if this is the case, it’ll soon be discovered and any respect gained would be lost twice over! 

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This entire post comes down to this:  Know your intentions.  Before guys go out of their way to embark on an act of ‘niceness’ for a girl, they should ask themselves if they would still do it even if they knew there would be no hope in hell of dating her.  And if they get politely rejected, the bigger man will suck up his pride and still think the girl is worthy of befriending or at least becoming acquaintances with.    

Social Conventions

Suppose I told you that I was asked out on a date and on this first date, rather than ringing my doorbell, the guy calls me on his cell phone to acknowledge his presence in his car outside of my home. Let’s say that throughout the evening, he picks up calls on his cell phone and talks for great lengths of time during dinner in front of me with nothing as much as an apology after each phone conversation.  We bump into my friends at the restaurant and he doesn’t even pretend to look interested in meeting them.  Moreover, I pick up the tab for the both of us without any sign of sincere opposition from him.

Me:  I’ll grab the bill.

Him:  No, no…well…ok.

And finally, at the end of the night, when I get dropped off at the foot of my driveway, he drives away without waiting to see if I’d safely walked onto my porch let alone to the inside of my home.

If I told my friends this story, they would say the guy is a loser and that animals on the discovery channel know more about courting.  But this isn’t about how much of a loser this guy is, it’s really about my realization that, especially on a first date when you barely know anything about the person, following dating conventions can be as important as remembering to say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when something is given to you.

If you’ve reached a particular comfort level/closeness with someone, then maybe formal etiquette can be forgotten but etiquette is crucial when both parties have yet to understand and know one another.

For the most part, I don’t think the rules of dating etiquette simply exist for the sake of existing – they have endured some time for good reason. Social conventions were built on the foundation that people have feelings and that all everyone wants is simply for these feelings to be acknowledged and considered.  Fail to follow them and you will (1) offend someone and/or (2) be remembered as the ‘idiot who did not ___.’  The following chart pretty much sums up what I think most girls will think when they witness violations/adherences to dating conduct.

Notice that the responses for NOT following convention are strongly negative while the rewards for adhering to the convention is only slightly positive.  Perhaps this is the result of most girls being used to dating guys who’ve always considered these things.  But we girls also know that a guy can follow all these rules to the T and not even know why he’s doing them in the first place.  Simply being aware of these rules of etiquette and following them shows that you know how to play the game, although it doesn’t necessarily show that you genuinely care.  As you can see, simply following conventions doesn’t make a guy any dreamier in a girl’s eyes, but if he doesn’t follow them, then this guy will stick out like a sore thumb in a girl’s repertoire of dating experiences.  He will also be the subject of ridicule during her next conversation with her girlfriends.

But there may be other reasons for seemingly unconventional actions on a date. He may have refrained from picking his date up at the door because of a traumatic experience whereby a giant rottweiler escaped a previous date's house and chased him down the street.Perhaps during dinner he had urgent calls that he couldn’t leave until later (i.e. his mom calls and decides she might pop in to introduce herself).  Maybe he’s rich and didn’t offer to pay for the date because he is weary of gold-diggers.I could think of a thousand reasons why a guy might act unconventionally on a first date.  But why would a girl put in the energy to make up a list of excuses for a guy she barely knows?  Us girls are going to judge based on our little experience of the other person to protect ourselves from wasting any more time with guys who may potentially be inconsiderate jerks – if we don’t get a good impression of a guy in the first couple of dates, how can you expect us to feel secure continuing to date them?  Why would we give guys the benefit of the doubt knowing we could get hurt?

Guys may ask, “Why must I ring the doorbell and walk a girl out to the car?  Can’t she just walk out to the car herself?”  True, some conventions seem unnecessary and haven’t changed with the changing gender roles in society.  I can’t explain that.  It’s like saying, why must a bride/groom say “I do” during a marriage ceremony?  I’m sure “yes, certainly” or “affirmative” carry the same literal meaning.  I witnessed a wedding where the groom simply said “yeah” when asked if he would take his bride’s hand in marriage – I don't care how sincere this "yeah" was, it was shocking!  Some things are just done for the sake of doing – don’t follow custom/convention and prepared to be labeled a sociopath.  My point is this: if it doesn't hurt to follow a convention, then just freakin' do it (Nike's slogan with a little umph).  If a guy really wanted to show concern and didn’t want to compromise his beliefs that some conventions are pieces of bull crap, then he would acknowledge whichever rule he was breaking and state a good reason why he chose not to follow it.

Skin Deep

Chinese restaurant owners fail to surprise me anymore.  They’ll happily slave-drive illegal immigrants, find all sorts of clever ways to evade taxes and for a few extra dollars they’ll keep serving Kung Pao chicken on Christmas, New Years and even on their own Chinese holidays.  As if that wasn’t enough, they'll serve gwai-los chicken balls and with a straight face they’ll insist that it’s authentic Chinese food.  More recently, a friend of mine told me how she was asked to submit a head-shot with her resume for a part-time waitressing job at a Chinese bubble tea shop.  That’s outright discrimination.  Couldn't they at least be a little less obvious?  All the more "professional" employers would be a tad more discreet; they'd give the candidate a good look up and down in an interview, and then provide politically-correct excuses as to why they'd hire bootylicious Britney over plain-faced Helga.        

The moralist would say that as long as the job is done and done well restaurant owners shouldn’t care about what their employers look like, but unfortunately most of us cave into our superficial tendencies – me, for example.  I'd much rather be stranded on a deserted island with Kwan Sang Woo than with Bill Gates.  I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Josh Hartnett than with any member of the Sex Pistols.  That being said, I’m probably going to be more inclined to have a nice dinner at a restaurant where I’m being catered to by hot, sexy waiters.  I'm not too sure if I like this about myself, but I realize it's somewhat of an irrepressible primal instinct.  We're all a little shallow to some extent and because of the way people and society function, it sure as hell sucks for someone not to have at least average looks on their side.

If you happen to be beautiful, on the surface, you are lucky.  Not only are you more likely to get hired, you are more likely to get asked out, get laid, get attention.  We all know it's just one of those great injustices in life.

But beauty isn’t so simple.  I’ve thought about it a little, and I’ve come up with three observations on beauty.

1) Beauty fades (obvious, but still worth repeating).  So if you’ve been riding on your looks so far, go find yourself a personality.  Otherwise, you’ll find yourself at fifty-five, alone without beauty OR personality.  

2) Many beautiful people don’t realize it, but with beauty, there comes great responsibility.  It’s the responsibility NOT to take credit for your good looks unless you really did work hard to achieve it.  We forget sometimes that many of our physical assets were passed down to us from our parents’ (i.e. you had nothing to do with the shape of your eyes, the width of your nose or the size of your feet).  My philosophy is if you didn’t grow it/make it/build it yourself, then it’s not yours to claim.  It’s like baking a cake from a cake mix – all you had to do for a soft, fluffy cake was add an egg and butter – any idiot can do that.  Now can you really show off the cake like you made it yourself?  Wouldn’t you feel ashamed if you didn’t give Betty Crocker some credit?  I’ve met many people who do just that – they are the good-looking snobs who think they’re just too good to hang-out with anyone less than hot, and they flaunt their beauty as if they personally sculpted their own noses and chiselled their own jaws.  Beauty is soo wasted on them.

I think it should be roughly after thirty-five when you can truly begin to take ownership over your looks, because everything prior to that was a gift.  After thirty-five, your face and body will be more likely a reflection of whatever exercise, proper nutrition, good rest you have rewarded yourself with over the years.  It’s much more admirable if you can still stay slim with a metabolism that has slowed down to a crawl, if you can maintain a firm butt when it really wants to sag, or if you can still look youthful past your skin’s prime. 

3) Finally, most people would think that beauty, among other things like super-intelligence and family wealth/status may be advantageous because it means that you’d never have to suffer through some of the hardships other people have to face.  But if you really think about it, how fulfilling would life be if you knew you never had to lift a finger to obtain anything you’ve ever wanted in life?  I think personal strength and character are best built by experiencing struggles in life – the kind of struggles that result when things aren't handed to you on a silver platter because of good looks or special capabilities and when you must overcome obstacles, accept failure and work your ass off to reach your goals.  It is only then when personal accomplishments become truly satisfying.  Compared to the gifted, I’ve developed a deeper respect for people with average or below average capabilities and or looks who, through diligence, can find success in society and find themselves among the ranks of even the most gifted of us. 

My final analysis:  Obviously looks are overrated; the problem is we’re too weak and we succumb to good-looks all the time even though we know better. 

Real Life Desperate Housewives

"She was jealous of my lawn."  That's what my neighbour said to me about her other next-door-neighbour recently as I was walking up my driveway.  My neighbour, a sweet little fifty-something housewife, always has a spade, garden hose or some other domestic paraphernalia in hand whenever I spot her labouring away in her front yard.  For years she took pride in maintaining a lush green lawn, which she religiously watered and carefully manicured.  However this year, although she's putting in the same amount of work everyday, her lawn resembles something closer to a hay field while her next-door-neighbour is curiously sporting a lawn green enough for the Angus Glen golf club. 

I stood there taken back at what she was implying.  

Me:  excuse me?

Neighbour:  My neighbour was jealous of my lawn - that's why they've destroyed it!  I saw with my very own eyes her daughter came over here squirting something with her water gun on these very spots (*pointing at the brown spots on her lawn*)! 

Me:  Are you sure?  Maybe she was just playing on your lawn? And maybe it was the fertilizer you used this year?

 I glanced over at the lawn and it did look suspicious.  The burnt brown circular patches looked uniformly spread across her lawn showing quite a stark contrast between her lawn and her neighbour's. 

Neighbour:  No, no.  I haven't done anything different than I have years before.  You don't believe me, but she was always jealous and she even accused me of digging holes in her lawn last year!

It seemed unreal to me.  What kind of person has the time to scheme and implement a plan for lawn destruction?  And what kind of person would load their child's watergun with chemicals and tell her to spray their neighbour's lawn? 

A lawn seems like such a silly thing to worked up over.   To me, her problem simply meant she would no longer hold the the title of "greenest lawn in the neighbourhood" and perhaps she would have one less person to ask for a cup of sugar or a bar of butter.  At first I dismissed it thinking to myself, 'lady, I have REAL problems!'  But as I thought about it some more, I wondered to what extent are my problems any more real than hers?  Lawn maintainance and homemaking is her livelihood.  Had I made it my livlihood, brown spots in my lawn would frustrate me too.  It reminded me how so many of us get so worked up over trivial things.  Here's a woman worrying about her lawn.  I wondered how many people would look at me with disdain and think, "here's this spoiled girl worrying about how she bombed her last exam, where she's going to be a year from now, the disappointment she'll face from her grandparents if she doesn't get into professional school and whether she's going to get married before 30, meanwhile I have REAL problems, I barely have two pennies to rub together/my fiance is in a coma/I'm dying of a terminal illness." 

My neighbour's problems and mine are really not that different .  I've concluded that brown lawns, bad exams, facing disappointing, and having uncertain futures are PRIDE problems, the kind that nibble away at your self-esteem more than anything.  If you're strong enough, pride problems are really no problems at all.  Real problems threaten your survival or the survival of someone you love.  I say fuck pride and unless you have real problems, you should just enjoy life.